The Guy-Plan-Theory

I have this theory about plans. Guy Plans.

There’s plan A. Plan A is THE guy. The one for which you drop whatever it is your doing to cook him an intricate health-revival soup when he’s sick. He’s the one your mama would love. The one your dad wouldn’t hate. (Not so much anyway.) He’s the guy you plan your whole week around, the one you text in an abnormal manner – Imma wait 8 minutes before replying. (WHY? WHY 8 MINUTES!!! Geez!) He could potentially be boyfriend material, as they say, although I’d rather think of it as Permanent-computer-holder-when-watching-Netflix-in-bed. Yeah. That sounds right.

Then, there’s plan B. Plan B is a pretty chill guy. He’s into you a little more than you’re into him.  If he’s on good behavior, he could steal plan A’s spot, but that only happens once every three Plan Bs. He’s funny, sometimes dorky, cute-ish. He’s the one that would make soup for you when you’re sick. Not a health-revival version cause he’s not that imaginative, but a decent cup of Lipton. He is also the one to run over to your place to warm you up on a cold night. He’s safe and he’s reliable, but he’s not amazing.

Plan C. Ouf plan C doesn’t have it easy. He’s into you like crazy, but it’s a little much. He texts you ‘Good Morning Sunshine’ and ‘Night Kitten’ just about every day, probably dying a little inside when you don’t answer, which ought to be about 50% of the time. He’s the one that’s really just an ok guy but that moves up the ladder in both attractiveness and potential as the drunken night progresses, this though, also in correlation with both Plan A’s and Plan B’s unavailability. Chances are he won’t meet any of your friends.

Finally, Plan D. Plan D isn’t really a plan. It’s actually more of a desperate call to action in times of severe attention withdrawal.  He’s a lost cause. He’ll probably manage his way into your pants on one brave solo occasion only.  If it’s any more than that, it’s probably because he’s closer to being a plan C, but nonetheless, the frequency is never more than quarterly. There is minimal conversation here because he’s either real pretty but dumb as fuck, or real ugly and equipped to fuck. Chances are you won’t tell any of your friends about him.

Now, in a shitty world, one might not have any plans at all. Not to worry though, we all hit dry spells. But that is mainly why plan C and D exist; to keep you going in life. Their main purpose is to help you keep faith in boy-girl interactions, and mostly, to maintain your sanity because nothing good comes out of a no-sex period that lasts longer than college. So there’s that. There’s also the fact that the ratio of good plans versus shit plans is about one to four, but you already knew that because… your sexual past. #DontDissTheShitPlans

In an ideal world though, you’d have a plan A and a plan B. Two plans are enough really, because if you think of it, with both those plans, you’re pretty much set and ready to go into cruise-control mode. Fun fact: if you have a plan A, B, C and you still wanna go for the desperate D, you my friend, have some serious D as in Daddy issues. Deal with that. ASAP.

Plan B’s survival is directly related to plan A. As long as plan A hesitates and procrastinates, plan B exists. He’s there to take on the shit left on the table by A. He relieves the tension, the pressure you may put on A, so that you can take a step back and make clear decisions about what A can actually offer. And decide wisely woman, because that position isn’t an everlasting guarantee: time will eventually run out, and Mr.B is fucking ready to fill in for the job.

But Plan A, huhu. He’s the ultimate right? Except that, even with time left on the clock, plan A doesn’t always pan out. Often, it doesn’t actually. The lines between ‘Netflix & Chill’ and ‘Exclusivity Rights’ get blurred and then, for some reason, you get sucked into this uncanny zone of we’re-not-together-but-clearly-we’re-not-just-hooking-up-because-we’re-doing-activities-in-the-daytime-and-I-know-things-about-your-brother-in-law. If that’s the case, there’s a good chance he’ll opt-out in the end. While you hold your breath, no other A can take the seat. Cause there’s only one A at a time, and all eyes are on him.

So, in case you were wondering, no, I don’t have any other great insight on what you should do, but still, the theory is there for the taking – says yours truly as she quietly rolls away from the plan D she just woke up next to.