Though the printing press isn’t as active as it used to be, we’ve all picked up a magazine with an enticing cover offering tips with such ground-breaking articles as: ”You’re in Love; Fix Bad Sex” or ”When is it Okay to Cheat?”.
I’m here today to express my concerns for those poor women reading these “tips”, objectively thinking its sane advice, and therefore thinking it’s totally sound to try them with a first-time partner. Ain’t gonna lie, there are men out there, a specific few, who won’t be sent running by anything; we also affectionately call them the adventurous creeps. That being said, the vast majority are not looking for something totally out there when sleeping with someone for the very first time.
Now the juicy! Here are some things I’ve come across in my life-long magazine reading career, and I beg you, do not try ANY of these with first-time (or one-time) lovers. Ladies, if you’ve had the guts of trying these and somehow manage to rock them, you deserve serious props; they are most definitely not for everybody.
Take off your panties and use them to tie your hair back: Men typically aren’t very objectionable in the heat of the moment, but in the afterthought, this one may just seem like a weird move! Ain’t nobody got time for that! It’s also not quite the most hygienic thing to do, especially if you didn’t plan on washing your hair for your next day’s work… Just putting it out there.
Put an ice cube in your mouth before giving him a blow job: “Excuse me, just gonna run to the kitchen for a moment” is not what ANY first time sex partner is expecting to hear. If you’re in a relationship and are feeling experimental, this is a different story, but maybe don’t pull this one out right off the get go.
Put on an accent: Unless you’re a world class actor, no. Just no. And what are the chances of your maintaining that fake accents through two beers, a couple Jameson shots and three glasses of wine, really? Plus, if you’re anything like me, all of your accents sound the same; like nothing!
Bring chocolate sauce to bed: AKA let’s invite ants to the bed party! This one shouldn’t be done out of plain right respect; you don’t know how much this person cares about their sheets, carpet… life. Probably best to leave that one in the closet forever.
Ask him to tell you, play by play, what he’s going to do to you: There are a many individuals who are extremely uncomfortable with “dirty talk,” and when put on the spot, this may just be their worst nightmare. Oh hello there, awkwardness!
Ask them to do your landscaping: This is just wacky proposal if you’re spending your first night together. No way this is happening if you aren’t TOTALLY comfortable with the person you’re sleeping with. Why would you even bother putting them in that position?
I am not trying to discourage ANYONE from being adventurous in bed, I just want to shed some light on the fact that there is a time and a place. Magazines got it wrong; don’t go scaring the shit out of an innocent men with chocolate sauce in your sheets, ice in your mouth and panties in your hair. It’s a fire alarm away from being your biggest sex blooper.
Keep it in the highlights!
Cover Photo Credit: http://www.shemazing.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/sex-tape-656×328.jpg
About Britanny Burr
Britanny is from Canmore, Alberta, and attended University in Calgary where she received a Bachelor of Arts in English. She now lives in Montreal, and works as a freelance writer. She loves to do yoga, dance, write, read, and laugh!